Celebrate Your Freedom
Lose the Loser and Reclaim Your Life
Celebrate Your Freedom

Margaret's Story

Margaret is one of those hurting ones.  One day, as 9 year old Margaret came in late for recess, her teacher, Mrs. Cooper, lost all her patience with Margaret.  Margaret, she said, “You never listen.  So today, I’m going to teach you a lesson you will never forget.  And so, she ordered Margaret to the front of the classroom and then she asked all 25 of her classmates to come up front and write something they did not like about Margaret on the chalk board. And so they began to write, each word, wounding Margaret’s soul.   “Margaret is selfish.  Margaret is stupid.  Margaret is ugly.  Margaret is fat.” Each word piercing her heart like a spear.  Each word like a punch to the stomach.  Forty years later, as Margaret reflected on that experience, she realized that she had lived up to that list on the board.  Those painful words went in so deep that she embraced them as an identity, and it ruined her life.

 

40 years later, Margaret is in her counselor’s office.  It has taken 2 years of intensive work with this counselor for Margaret to begin to write a new story.  The counselor asks her to recount her experience one last time.  She does, remembering every detail as if it were yesterday.  But now the counselor says, there is one more person in the room that you forgot.  A man in the back of the room walks up to the board and erases everything else on the board and begins to write.  “Margaret is loved.  Margaret is beautiful.  Margaret is precious.  Margaret has so much to give.  Margaret is mine.”  That man is Jesus.  He embraces Martha and tells her that he will never leave her or forsake her.  Tears of joy pour down Martha’s face as she embraces her new life with Jesus.

- "Messy Spirituality" by Mike Yaconelli

Separated

I have been separated from my husband since April. He has a severe hoarding problem and refuses to get a steady job. This has caused me significant legal and financial problems as well as emotional distress. I do not see him changing, which makes me sad because I thought he was the one.

At this point, who am I to give anyone advice? I am back to square one.

I will post more at a later date when I feel ready to discuss it.

My Response to Single Dad Laughing

I ran across this article about a month ago on a blog called “Single Dad Laughing”. It’s called “The Disease Called ‘Perfection’”.

Perfection infects society on all levels. Just about every group has their own ideas about what is acceptable and what isn’t. Unfortunately, this is prevalent in a lot of Christian communities as well.

I grew up in a non-denominational charismatic church. I went to a Christian school that was affiliated with that church as well. This particular community was afflicted with “Perfection”. Here are some examples:

There was a girl a few grades ahead of me who became pregnant while still in high school and had an abortion. No one knew about it until a few years later when her boyfriend finally told his parents. The reason I know about this is because his parents were upset after hearing the news and shared about it at a prayer meeting. The people at the prayer meeting then spread the news all over the church. Now everyone looks down on this girl for having an abortion. But the reason she had it was because she was afraid of what people would think of her for getting pregnant.

Another girl became pregnant after graduation but told no one, and hid the pregnancy well because no one knew she was pregnant until she was seven months along and went into premature labor. I felt bad for her that she had no one to talk to and had to go through the pregnancy alone, because a pregnancy is a hard thing for a woman to go through. Also, because she was hiding her pregnancy, she didn’t go to a doctor and receive prenatal care. Perhaps if she had, her baby would have not been born prematurely.

Many other girls who I went to school with got pregnant out of wedlock. I was actually one of the few who didn’t. But, I did do other things when I was younger that I shouldn’t have. In that church, there is a certain stigma attached to people who aren’t perfect. People openly share private information about others at prayer meetings. It’s gossip in the form of “prayer requests”.  And then people go tell their friends and family everything that was shared at the prayer meeting. That’s how the gossip spreads. And everyone thinks it’s okay because they’re praying for the people they’re talking about.

Some teenage girls who became pregnant out of wedlock felt compelled to stand in front of the entire church and confess their sin. They were extremely emotional, crying and apologizing to the congregation. I was always uncomfortable with this because I wondered why they were doing it. Did they really choose to stand in front of several hundred people and humiliate themselves, or did someone make them do it?

Others hide their sins from the church, because they’ve witnessed the gossip and the way members treat those who have committed, in their opinion, “major sins”. They don’t want to experience rejection. So it’s easier to lie about it and be left alone.

So they go to prayer meetings, and pray for other people, and share the problems of OTHERS, and confess the sins of OTHERS, but not THEIR OWN! And they do this because they’re in pain. But instead of facing their demons, they cover up their pain by judging others.

And I do this too.

Because it’s easier to talk about someone else’s problems than my own. And it makes me feel better about myself if I criticize someone else. “I’m better than them because I don’t do what they do.” I was married when I had my baby, so that makes me better than my classmates who had babies out of wedlock. I didn’t have an abortion like that girl in high school, so I’m better than her.

But I’ve done bad stuff too. And I’ve experienced the same kind of stigma and humiliation that these young mothers experienced. So I should be the last one to judge them. And yet, I do. But it has to stop.

Single Dad Laughing says that the cure to perfection is to be real. He says, “Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you.”

That’s a great idea, but before we do that we have to make sure we are in a safe environment. If we find ourselves in an emotionally unsafe environment like the above-mentioned church, openly sharing our problems can set us up for the kind of bullying experienced by those unwed mothers.

I would say find a safe environment where you can be real. Because really, what is the point of hanging around people you don’t trust and acting like something you’re not? To get approval? True friends will accept you no matter what you’re suffering through or what you’ve done in the past. So find people who accept you, people who you can be real with.

And each of us should work on CREATING a safe environment so others can be real with us. I really like Ghandi’s quote “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I believe if we want to change the world, we must start with ourselves.

Instead of passing judgment on others when they make mistakes, we need to show forgiveness and compassion. And we also need to look at the sins in our own lives and repent of those as well, instead of throwing stones at others.

John 8:1-7: “Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd. ‘Teacher,’ they said to Jesus, ‘this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?’

“They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”

Building trust is key to creating a safe environment.  If someone shares something personal with you, keep it confidential. Watch how much information you give out when requesting prayer for someone. In small group settings, it needs to be a policy that whatever is said does not leave the group. If people think that they’re going to be judged, they won’t share their struggles. But if they feel safe, then they can be real.

How to Land a Player

I read the book "The Rules" a few years ago, and while I agree with the basic premise of not appearing too eager, this book takes it a little too far. I don't think you should avoid a guy's phone calls and never call him. That's kind of rude. Plus, it will give him the idea you aren't interested. Which is the very thing that you want to do, according to the book because it will make him pursue you more. Maybe - IF he's a player. A nice guy will take the hint that you aren't interested and leave you alone, whereas a player will pursue you relentlessly. The author says it's because a man likes the chase, but that's not the entire story. The truth is, players are used to getting any woman they want, and when a woman spurns them, it hurts their pride. They are so determined to prove that they can get any woman they want, that they become obsessed with the woman who has scorned them. They don't give up until they marry her. That is the ultimate conquest for them. But that gets boring and they go back to their old womanizing ways.

This is exactly what happened with Tiger Woods and Elin. He wanted to go out with her, and she turned him down. And so he pursued her until she gave in and went out with him. Then they got married. Then he cheated - not once, not twice, but God knows how many times with how many women. Elin obeyed "The Rules" and landed a player. Way to go!

I'm not putting Elin down, I'm just saying that she did all the right things with the wrong guy. The only good things she's going to get out of this are beautiful children and lots of money. Not a husband who loves her and respects her.

The truth is, when you find the right person, you don't have to play games to get him to commit. You don't have to "make" him love you. He will be so in love with you he won't be able to wait to marry you! And you'll feel the same way about him. If you hold back your feelings, he might think there is not a connection and move on.

My advice is: just be honest. If you want to go out with someone, then go out with him, and don't play games with him. (Just try not to chase him too much and act obsessive. That will scare him.) If you don't want to go out with someone, then don't go out with him. If he continues to pursue you when you've already told him no, that is a bad sign. It means he's a player and he's not respecting your boundaries, and there's probably not a good future with him. Even if he is Tiger Woods.

My Ex is a Douchebag

I spent nearly ten years of my life with my ex-husband. And he made me absolutely miserable. He had the power to crush me with just his words. Sex was hell with him, because he enjoyed hurting me during the act. He destroyed my self-esteem, and made me insane. When I left him the final time in 2006, I had a mental breakdown. I was so messed up that I couldn't even pack my clothes to leave; my mother packed them for me.

It's been over three years now since I left him. I still have problems with anxiety and shyness, and I think part of my issues stem from my bipolar disorder, but I have noticed that I'm getting better. I'm becoming more confident and friendly. I laugh now. And I'm in love with my new husband.

I was driving the other day and I had an epiphany - I thought to myself, "My ex is a douchebag". For a long time I mulled over the mean things he said to me and the bad things that he did - the rape, the adultery, etc., and felt anger towards him and pity for myself. I really don't think about what he did anymore. I know what he did, but I don't obsess over the details. I've come as close to forgiveness as I can. I'm not mad at him anymore, but I don't think what he did was okay. I really think I'm over it now, because now I see that he is just a douchebag. I mean stupid. He said stupid things all the time, like Elvis died on stage. And then he'd argue about it and insult me for not agreeing with him. I got to the point where I just agreed with whatever he said just to shut him up, but inside I would question everything he said because he was a compulsive liar. I coped by spending hours on the computer playing so I could avoid him. I used to feel guilty about that, but now I realized that's the only way I kept my sanity for so long living with a douchebag - a douchebag that was also mean.

I mean really, how stupid is that - to treat me bad and make me angry and depressed, when all he had to do was be nice to me and I would've loved him endlessly? Like my husband treats me now - he treats me like gold, I love him to no end, and I'm good to him. It's not that hard. My ex had this stupid idea that if he were to be nice to me, I would walk all over him. I'm not like that. Too bad for him that he could never see it.

By realizing my ex is a douchebag, I've taken away his power. He can't hurt me anymore, because he's just a douchebag. None of the mean things he said matter anymore because he's a douchebag.

If you need a visual - he is over 300 lbs, wears big glasses, doesn't brush his teeth, smokes cigarettes, and doesn't shower often. On top of that, he has poor social skills. For instance, he can't pick up on social cues. He can't tell when people are uncomfortable and want the conversation to end. He will keep on talking, often saying offensive or embarrassing things. And then he giggles at his own jokes. He hits on waitresses. He is currently unemployed. He complains about every job he has and ends up quitting. He cusses like a sailor and talks about inappropriate things to our son. He takes our son to Hooters. He says that he will hire a hooker for our son when our son turns 18, "to teach him how to please a woman."

Yes, this guy is a real douchebag. And I worried about what he thought of me?

Fresh Air Fund Update

The Fresh Air Fund has been a success this year!

This past summer, the Fresh Air Fund partnered with OneSight, giving vision screenings to over 3,000 children. Onesight provides free eye exams and eyewear to children who need them.

To learn more about this partnership go to
Fresh Air Vision.

God Can Make You Strong

There is a lady I work with who is a devout Christian. We started talking one night, and she told me all about her abusive alcoholic husband. They are currently separated. She says she likes being single and not having to answer to a man.

What struck me about this woman is that she is so strong. She is not shy or timid, as I would expect an abuse survivor to be. She is very outspoken and assertive. I told her that I thought she was strong, and she attributed that to her faith.

I realized that it is God who makes us strong. Even if abuse weakens us, God can give us the strength to survive it and thrive.

Here is a passage I found on the topic:

Paul was talking about the thorn in his flesh. "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, my grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

One Blogger's View of Chris Brown

On Emotional Abuse and Your Faith, one of my favorite bloggers, Hannah, wrote about Chris Brown's reaction to his violence towards Rihanna. Hannah tells us all about denial on the abuser's part, and the part of his family, and other peers. She goes into the mind of the abuser and shows just exactly how he thinks and what he is trying to accomplish. She outlines the typical events after an abusive episode and explains how the abuser shifts the blame to the victim so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. Hannah clearly understands the mindset of abusers and the cycle of abuse.

Book Review - Battered to Blessed

I just finished reading Battered to Blessed: My Personal Journey . In this book, Mrs. Walsh recounts her short marriage to a very violent abuser, taking the reader on a journey with her as she recovers from the abuse, succeeds in her career, dates, and finally remarries.

I found the book encouraging because she had such a wonderful life after she left her abuser. I was also discouraged because she had something which I didn't - a loving, supportive family. I think it is because of the support she received, and also her faith, that she was able to recover so easily from the trauma. She did show symptoms of PTSD, but not nearly to the extent that I have. She never had a problem with social anxieties, was always confident and outgoing, which in turn made her successful. I was impressed when I watched her stand up for what she wanted, but I couldn't help feel a little inadequate when I realized my own deficiencies in that area.

In the end, it is just a story of one person's life, as she experienced it. Everyone is different and has had different experiences.

So, how do you heal when you don't have a loving supportive family like Mrs. Walsh? You build a support network. Support groups are a good start. Also, surround yourself with friends who are patient and caring. Nix anyone who puts you down. That's the last thing you need right now, or ever.

Chris Brown Gets Straight Probation, No Jail Time

Remember when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna in February? Well, he finally received his sentencing and he was sentenced to five years' probation and community service - that's it. He will serve no jail time for beating the heck out of his girlfriend.

I watched Nancy Grace last night and she is furious. She said that this is Brown's third incidence of violence against Rihanna, and that giving him probation only sends the wrong message to domestic abusers. Sure it does, it tells them they can beat up women and get away with it.

Is it just me or does it seem like the legal system doesn't take domestic violence as seriously as other types of violence? If Chris Brown were to assault a random stranger in the same fashion as he did Rihanna, I wonder, would he have done jail time then?

I know someone who poured a bucket of water on another person's head and went to jail for that. But we have a celebrity who beats up his girlfriend and he does not get one day in jail. Is it because he's a celebrity? Is it because Rihanna's going soft on him? They said on Nancy Grace that Rihanna agreed to the probation sentence. Or is it because domestic violence just isn't taken that seriously in our country? I wonder if in the back of the judges' minds is the thought that "she provoked the attack", or asked for it in some way. Or, "Oh, it's just a domestic issue."

Domestic issues are serious issues. Domestic violence is a serious issue and needs to be taken seriously in the courts. It's not going to stop if we don't make these guys pay for the wounds they've inflicted on their victims.